Filial Piety in Chinese Tradition

The words 孝顺 is a label we Chinese carry on our backs like a permanent tattoo that only fades the day our parents no longer live. This invisible ‘tattoo’ is heavier on a single child family because all of the responsibilities of caring for the elderly rest on the shoulders of one. This label sticks even stronger on a daughter than on a son. Imagine the triple weight if the daughter is married because she not only carries the label of a single child and daughter for her parents but also now double duties for her husband’s parents.

I am a child of a single parent, the only adopted child of my mother. Not only that, I am married also to a Chinese traditional family whereby I am the only, and also wife to the eldest son. You can imagine how I can be the subject of ridicule of two families. Imagine a woman torn between two families and that of her own. Add a demanding full-time job to that.

Filial piety is not just respect, honour and obedience to parents. It is also accompanied by an attention of care when the parents reach a stage of being dependents. Surely many have resorted to nursing homes to outsource this responsibility. But surely we know elderly homes don’t do much except clean, and feed. This vegetates the elderly and accelerates ageing; usually bringing death closer.

So with nursing home out of my list, and with me living five driving hours away from my mother, I have no choice but pray that she can be independent for as long as she lives since she chooses not to live with me. So guess who gets bashed, harassed, threatened and sentenced to guilt? Yes, moi (yours truly).

I could have recently sank into acute depression.

But, I kept praying. Family members lashing out with zero consideration for my wellbeing, I knew I had to fight to stay alive. But fighting isn’t being mean. I was vexed. One night, I knelt before God and prayed this:

Heavenly Father, I need You to intervene. I am caught between mother’s degenerative state, her unwillingness to move in with me, noise pouring in from misled and inconsiderate family members, and the lockdown from Covid-19 that has sealed my state border. I need You to send angels for mom. Please take care of her needs I pray. I need mental and emotional strength. Rebuke those negative words about me that are untrue, toxicity in the family that are out to destroy me. God, I plead with You to rebuke these family members and stop them from harassing and threatening me. I am precious in the sight of God. I seek Your help in this time of despair. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I believe I am not alone in this journey. Many could be locked down during this Covid-19, unable to travel to their parents’ ailing side, dismissed by selfish relatives who practically show no empathy — many falling into a helpless state of depression.

One thing I told myself besides praying, “I’ve come so far. My mother made her choice to live by herself. God knows, I know”. I thank the Lord He sent angels (Christian family) that took her in during the lockdown. They fed and cared for her. She has since recovered a lot. Her energy has returned. I have intently blocked the other relatives from reaching me for the sake of saving myself.

Filial piety, for all its good — in this circumstance has acted out as the vehement enemy, the opposing force against love and kindness. This experience has taught me an important lesson — God first, me second, family third and Chinese last. When we seek God, He will take care of us, our family and our confidence.